14 November 2011

no easy answer

When I was unemployed a few years ago, it challenged me to respond to the question, "what do you do?" I began detesting meeting new people, which, is quite out of character for me, and imagined ways to avoid the question, much less the answer, at all costs.

Currently I am developing a similar aversion to the question of how am I doing. People mean well. It is a courtesy question, I know. Sometimes we do not even really spend the time to hear the answer. The easiest (most palatable?) and most acceptable reply is "good" or "okay." And whether people would admit this or not, I think people WANT that response. I do.

In my mind, really, I desperately want to be okay.
And for the most part, I am okay.
But there is a part of me that is off.

It is the part of me that absolutely panics when I pass another car, wondering if my car will swerve and nick even the slightest section of the car I am passing. It is the part of me that perspires because another car is speeding up to pull ahead of me only to brake and I anxiously wonder if my car will actually brake on time. It is the part of me that crumbles and cries because B mentions test driving another car and I realize again that "my" car is probably lost to me forever.

I am more comfortable when people are okay, or good. And honestly, I am more comfortable if I can honestly say okay or good myself.

But for now, I am not there. And I am going to have to be okay with that in order to move closer to "normal" if such a destination even exists! Yet another lesson in the time grace takes.


Rachel said...

I'm glad you are putting "pen to paper", so to speak, and processing this all. It's good to be honest with yourself, friend, and it's okay to not be "okay." You will get there. You will.

Sabrina said...

I echo what Rachel said, It's okay to not be Okay. What you went through was extremely traumatic. It will take time to heal both physically, mentally and emotionally.
Hugs and prayers to you!

Daniels Five said...

It is wonderful to see you blogging again. Your thoughts are so insightful. Many of us struggle with the same kind of feelings but from different situations. Know you are not alone. By you putting it on "paper" you have given us the honor of knowing how to care for you in prayer.